Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
