Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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