Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
