I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
