bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
