Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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