I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
