If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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