you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
