chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
