She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
