There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
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Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
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We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.