Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."