Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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