Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.