i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
