i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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