Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
