Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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