at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
