you have to choose: penises or morals?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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