Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
