If i could tip my vagina, i would.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
