lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
