woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
