Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
FUCK WHALES
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
