Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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