Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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