youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
