whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize