Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
