Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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