God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
