You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
