I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Randomize
