Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sex in a hospital.. check
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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