Need sex. Gaining weight.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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