OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
