I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
