I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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