my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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