The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
You're earring is so big in my mouth
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
