this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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