I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I want to fling myself into the sun
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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