Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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