She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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