Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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