please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
