I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
