I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
