yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
