I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
