you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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