dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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