today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
