I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
