Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
