I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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