I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
