so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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