At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i dont even know how to be here
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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